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02 November 2012 @ 05:58 pm
Need a smile?  
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one. "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they’ll f*ck you every time!"


Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom. "Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny. His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son. I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father. Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?"




A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"




1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.

3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for anything they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power "Wash" and "Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

THE DOG

 
 
 
Yvonne Reidyvonnereid on November 2nd, 2012 03:16 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha these are hilarious!!! I especially love the one about taking the cat away and then phoneing for directions lol ~ Vonnie xx

Ps,it would be great talking to you on skype some time soon,are you on there today?
aaa_mazingaaa_mazing on November 2nd, 2012 03:31 pm (UTC)
I will be there in ten minutes. Let's talk?
aaa_mazingaaa_mazing on November 2nd, 2012 03:41 pm (UTC)
Already there!!!
chloris01: Funny bones gifchloris01 on November 2nd, 2012 04:42 pm (UTC)
Need a smile ? Oh ! YES !
ROFL !

LOVE the first two ! I love when kids are smarter than their parents....!
aaa_mazing: Brian facepalmaaa_mazing on November 2nd, 2012 05:55 pm (UTC)
Re: Need a smile ? Oh ! YES !
I really laughed out loud. Kids.:)
Alexander: LaughingCatashmedai on November 2nd, 2012 04:49 pm (UTC)
ROFL!!
aaa_mazing: laughaaa_mazing on November 2nd, 2012 05:56 pm (UTC)
Right? The girl with the mating dogs just killed me.:)
shadownycshadownyc on November 2nd, 2012 06:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the fun Friday diversion. :)
aaa_mazing: laughaaa_mazing on November 2nd, 2012 06:38 pm (UTC)
Glad these made you smile.:)
cheburashka_2cheburashka_2 on November 2nd, 2012 11:45 pm (UTC)
These were great! Thank you.

Maybe you could do this every friday....just a thought...

:)

Edited at 2012-11-02 11:45 pm (UTC)
aaa_mazingaaa_mazing on November 5th, 2012 04:57 pm (UTC)
LOL I can promise to try.

Glad you liked these.
Thomas Allenthomas_allen88 on November 3rd, 2012 01:40 am (UTC)
I can not even use ROFLMFSO cause it;s not enough so show how hard we are laughing on the last one "washing the cat" My side hurts from laughing, thanks
aaa_mazingaaa_mazing on November 5th, 2012 05:03 pm (UTC)
LOL Sorry for the hard laughs.:)
Mmidnight_dm on November 3rd, 2012 08:02 am (UTC)
My favorite one is the man asking for the cat on the phone, LOL!
aaa_mazing: black cataaa_mazing on November 5th, 2012 05:03 pm (UTC)
Made me laugh too.:)
Lynspike7451 on November 3rd, 2012 12:23 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the laughs and smiles. :D
aaa_mazingaaa_mazing on November 5th, 2012 05:04 pm (UTC)
Aww, always welcome, hon!
nitawolfkin: animalwitchnitawolfkin on November 4th, 2012 02:29 pm (UTC)
Absolutely priceless ! Hit just the right note, this morning :)

I am SO behind with my LJ. I am finally at the point where I am checking my friends' posts !
I will probably have to give up on checking past posts, or I will never get caught up. But I hpe life is being kind !

Hugs,

Anita.
aaa_mazingaaa_mazing on November 5th, 2012 05:05 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you liked these. And RL can be really tough. I hope to see you here more often though.

HUGS

Nastya